If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Randomize
