I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize