I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize