so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize