He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
