Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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