my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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