that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
