how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
farters have to be the big spoon...
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
