I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
