The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Randomize
