peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
