i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
