he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
