I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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