I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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