Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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