I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
