Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Come share oat with me in your robe
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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