It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
