Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
