Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
