why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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