So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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