i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
