I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
this just has baby written all over it
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
