handjob tips. give me some.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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