That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
