I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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