I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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