also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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