Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
