He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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