Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
i need some magic done to my vagina
We are all done wearing pants today
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
