He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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