I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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