I wish I could teleport
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
