yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
