im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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