Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
