So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
This baby is an asshole
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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