Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
