So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize