hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
