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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
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