it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
