so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
