You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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