I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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