i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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