Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You pole danced in your parka.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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