I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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