During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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