You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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