I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
