Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
