I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
