You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I AM VODKA MAN
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
