Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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