why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Maybe he injected his testicle?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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