The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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