Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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